A simple burger recipe

A purist's recipe. On my stove this produces a medium-rare burger. Other stoves may require an adjustment of the "2 minutes per side" I cite here.

-Form a quarter pound of 80/20 ground beef into a patty about one inch thick. Don't handle the meat too much. Be kind to your burger, and it will be kind to you.
-Heat a burner as hot as it will go. To treat your burger well you must torture the stove. Drizzle a little canola oil (not olive oil, which will burn and smoke) in a pan.
-Salt (and pepper, if you want) both sides of the patty. LIBERALLY. This is important.
-Lay the patty down in the pan over the flame. Do not move it for two minutes. Don't touch it at all. Use these two minutes to think about what you want from your life. (Tip: if you decide you want a burger, you will not be disappointed.)
-Scrape the patty off the pan in one deft, swooping motion so that none of the yummy crust is lost, and flip it over. Note: a more loosely packed patty will require a defter scrape and flip for the patty to remain intact. Be careful.

-Add cheese if you like cheese. You will need to cover the pan to melt the cheese.
-Do not move the patty for two minutes. Use these two minutes to congratulate yourself. You've almost done it!
-Remove the patty from the pan and set on a plate to rest for ~5 minutes. This step is important, because if you do not wait long enough, all the delicious juice will flood from the burger as soon as you bite into it. This waiting time can be adjusted, however, depending on how hungry you are.
-You have previously used your down time to make yourself happier. Now use it to make your burger happier. Toast your bun in the same pan, watching to make sure it doesn't burn. You might also conceivably butter the bun before putting it in the pan, which should give a nice crispy golden color.
-Once the bun is toasted remove it and arrange the components and condiments of the burger as desired. There is no wrong way to do this. But don't fuck it up. (I like a little mustard on my home-cooked burgers, and nothing else.)
-Eat your burger. Love yourself, because you have created a delicious meal.

A loss of burger innocence

At some point I stopped enjoying hamburgers as much. I think it was about the same time I turned on my critical faculties each time I ate one and started using silly foodie words like "mouthfeel." The more hamburgers I ate, the less I found an average hamburger appealing. Where before I could forgive imperfections, because I never cared to notice them, when I eat a burger now all I can taste are the imperfections. Maybe there's a good patty, but the bun isn't soft enough, or toasted well enough. The lettuce and tomato are good, but there's not enough of them to taste. The cheese isn't melted. The patty is cooked unevenly. The patty is cooked to medium, not medium-rare. On and on and on. None of the flaws I've just described are fatal to a burger's flavor, but they might as well be for how much they turn me off.

I am very good at cooking hamburgers

Once upon a time I ordered hamburgers all the time. For lunch, for dinner, for special occasions, for no reason at all. Those were happy times, when burgers were a source of great joy. Now I stay away from the burger unless I have a compelling reason to think it will be good. I'm describing a loss of burger innocence. I've gained discerning taste when it comes to burgers, and I've learned a lot about how to prepare them well. But never again will I be able to pull off a top bun to reveal a sad disk of grey meat without writing a tiny burger eulogy in my heart even before taking a bite. Before I wouldn't have noticed, and now I can't help noticing.

These pictures aren't good, but I include them because they remind me of good hamburgers.

When I'm out to dinner with my parents, they always make a point to mention if a hamburger is on the menu. They still think I love hamburgers. And I do. But I'd rather not eat one.